Today doesn't feel like a good day.

I feel distant from everything.

This one started off pleasant enough... seemed to be taking a walk through the city. Didn't particularly recognize anything, but it all seemed familiar enough. It was the middle of the night and some of the streetlights weren't operating, so it was even darker than you'd normally expect. As I was walking, I started to notice that everyone else seemed to be slowly disappearing from the street. I dunno if they were just hiding away into the buildings or actually vanishing in thin air. Either way, at some point, I realized I was alone and came to a stop in front of this old, boarded up building. Looked like it used to be a cafe or something.. just inside the windows, I could see tables and booths, set up like they were waiting on someone to stroll in and have a seat but no one ever did. There were even little vases on each table with one single white flower.. I dunno how they were still alive. Must've been fake. Everything in the building was covered in cobwebs so it was clear it had been shut down a while.

I don't know why I was so transfixed by this place.. I just stood there staring for what felt like the longest time, then I saw movement. I turned to see a man walking out of the front door, covered in cobwebs, too. He was walking like he hadn't done it for a long time.. it was clumsy, clunky.. I could almost hear his bones creaking with every step. He looked at me and his eyes were so empty.. like they weren't even looking at all. His mouth opened and words came out, but I couldn't understand them. They sounded Japanese, but backwards, maybe.. I wish I could remember it well enough to imitate and figure out what the hell he might have been saying to me. He kept repeating the same phrase, maybe one or two sentences, over and over again.. up until he suddenly stopped and tensed, eyes wide, looking at the sky.. it took me a second to notice there was a point to a blade just barely sticking through his chest, blood dripping from its tip to a puddle that grew at his feet and started to reach towards me, so I took a step back. He fell forward, presumably dead.. but when he hit the pavement, his entire body burst into thousands of tiny spiders.. they all fled in every direction and all that remained of that man was his blood and the dagger that killed him in the middle of it.

I'm not sure which part of that alarmed me the most, but I jumped so bad I was afraid I'd wake Yuu up in the middle of the goddamn night and have to explain that. Thank god that man loves his sleep. That dream left me feelin' like my skin was crawling.. couldn't get back to sleep right away.. still not the worst thing I've ever seen. I never wanna see that again.. but I know that's too much to ask.

Man, it's been a minute since I wrote a proper entry... seems like a lot has happened, a lot worth talking about. I don't even know where to start. I've been so busy finishing up this leg of the tour, I hardly have time for anything else.. then in a couple weeks, we're takin off for the US.. I've had meetings, business calls, interviews.. there were very few things on my agenda that weren't work related, and I certainly wasn't allowing myself the space to cultivate relationships, be it with friends or lovers. I've been on my own for a really long time.. and I just became so accustomed to that, I stopped wanting anything more from anyone. I gave up pursuing friendships, and not only that, but dating, too, seemed out of the question. I felt like I'd progressed beyond that part of life and it just became something I didn't do anymore. With that being said, I haven't been particularly unsatisfied with my life. How could I? I found success doing something I love, I can afford to live how I like, with nothing but peace and quiet in my own apartment. No one to get in my way, no one I have to worry about. No expectations. I don't know if I've been more worried about someone not meeting mine.. or about me not meeting theirs. Lately I've been thinking about this a lot.. I met a guy that's making me rethink that kind of mentality.

And that is almost entirely what I'm thinking about as I sit here scribbling this out.. I really wasn't expecting it to play out the way it did. We talked for a little bit, and it didn't reaaally take that long before we were hitting on each other. I might be a loner, but I'm not fuckin blind.. I expected to hook up and that be the end of it, but... things didn't stop there. I wanted to see him again, and he wanted to see me some more.. ended up spending a weekend together at this cabin his family owns. After that, I knew for sure I wasn't just trying to sleep with the guy. Guess it must've done the same thing to him.. that weekend made him mine.

I'm not sure what to think about it, really.. it might be unlike me, but I don't care much about that. All I know is that it feels good. Something about him.. I dunno what it is. He's charming.. really funny.. and I just really fucking like him. Doesn't help that I can barely keep my hands off the guy, either. And I know there's still so much to learn about each other, but man, that's something to look forward to, isn't it? I get to call him mine. Been a long time since I could say that. Makes me feel a way I'd forgotten all about.

Still.. I can't help that little voice in my head telling me to back off. What the fuck do I know about how to date properly anymore and what business do I have trying to do this? I don't know what the hell I'm doing, man.. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. Enjoying the time I get to spend just having fun with this man.. and see what happens. That's all I gotta worry about for now.

So, in consensus.. I have a boyfriend. Heh.. still feels strange to say that. Probably will for a while.. things are new and weird, but good. Really fucking good. I hope it stays that way.

Life is full of so many unexpected things. I think life is comprised mostly of the type of things you can't expect.. how often do things actually go according to plan, anyway? One door shuts and another opens, as they say, even though sometimes it takes a while before you're able to find that open door. But it's hard to keep perspective when all you see is a door slammed in your face. Sometimes it feels easier to simply stop moving forward. At least there's no more disappointment that way.. but the wonder of finding a new path is surely worth it. We can't control what life gives us, but there's so much to learn, so much to gain.. you just have to keep after it.